A Hopeful Return

I am nearing 40 and I finally feel like I'm an adult.  It has been nearly 6 years since I've posted here.  Then I was a mere young adult in my early 30's, on the precipice of getting pregnant and making that journey into a more adult state.  My daughter will be 5 soon.  We have already registered her for kindergarten.  Preschool graduation is in a matter of weeks.  She is beyond excited by it all.  She is smart, kind, loving, and quite the smart ass, as she should be given her parents, maternal grandparents, and paternal great-grandfather.  I think she has an artist's soul, which could be troubling in the years ahead.  She loves to draw, paint, sing, dance, and play any instrument she can get her hands on.  She wants to be a mommy, pediatrician, songwriter, artist, and ballet teacher.  It makes my heart overflow.  She is perfect for us.

I have been in my job for 13 years. I am now in a management position and it is rewarding.  I have fulfilled my promise of what I would become when I got my degree 15 years ago.  But I still don't feel fully an adult with responsibility and power sometimes.  I know I have more than I think I do, but at times I feel like I don't have any at all.

I believe this feeling of full adulthood is entirely to do with my involvement in my church.  This past Sunday I led our choir.  It has been 20 years since I directed a group of musicians, my high school pep band.  It felt like I was stepping into a comfortable pair of shoes that I forgot I had.  I had come full-circle to those days my freshman year when I started singing in choir.  I enjoyed it.  I have gladly taken on adult roles in church as well, starting with the committee to find a new pastor and then the big step to be on the session.  Being on that committee and being an elder has helped me grow over the last two years.  I feel like I'm looked at differently by those that have known me since I was a teenager.  I feel that I have a special bond with the same people that were teenagers with me at that time that I now see at church, committee meetings, and session.  It is a family.

I'm not sure what direction I'm going to take this blog in but I am moved to write more and this is the best way to do that.